Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Week 6 prompt: The safest place in the world.... #1 out of 3
Most of us when we are young teens can't wait to move out of the house. Have your own place and not live with your parents. I have moved out twice due to school and an apartment opportunity opening up. I lived on my own for a solid year and I did really good, money wasn't an issue or anything, it was just very different. Snow storms, feeling sick, power outages; I always feel better being with my parents. It's a natural feeling since it was that way for 18 years. Home is the safest place in the world...
Home is where the two people are that raised me, fed, me and clothed me. They never babied me they always had me do things on my own and learn from my mistakes. That's why I don't think it was hard to move out. Yet on certain days I'd wish I were home. I remember having a double ear infection and then a sinus infection. I was home and bawling my eyes out because I was so sick. I ended up spending 7 hours in the emergency room by myself at EMMC. I needed an IV and direct pain medication it was so bad. They didn't even have me wait they immediately put me in a room when I arrived. Times like this I didn't think it would have gotten that bad if I was home and my mom was there. I wouldn't have been so dehydrated.
Home is where the heart is, I will always believe that. Hopefully someday my boyfriend and I will have our own place and that will be home. I think for all of eternity though, home will also be where my parents are. They have done so much for me that I will forever so thankful. A few weeks ago during that crazy micro burst storm I was stuck at work. Scared beyond scared, where did I want to be? Home with my parents of course. I ended up having to sleep at work and didn't get any sleep because it just wasn't home. I have learned not to take home or my parents for granted. To accept that I will always be a little girl at heart and appreciate home. The safest place in the world.
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Aw, Ashley, you really really have to break a piece this long into shorter grafs. Apart from consideration from your audience, your writing improves if you think in paragraph-size chunks instead of sentence-size. Paragraphing is part of the deal a writer has with the reader, and it's not just one more dumb thing your fourth grade teacher tried to ram down your throat.
ReplyDelete--from my 9/22 comment
Actually this is one of those essays that really really needed paragraphing so that the writer could be checking on herself, seeing what it was she was doing: what you have here right now is a jumble--a lot of ideas and bits of stories, all thrown in together without much of any kind of organization. Paragraphing would have helped you see that, would have made it easier to cut down on repetition and to slide material together so it was all more coherent.
ReplyDeleteTry a rewrite on this, thinking about organization, not content.
I will do that. Thank you !!
ReplyDelete